So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
Like if god were to send me a cock shot, that's what it would look like.
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
it's like a walk of shame rule, you always run into someone who saw you wearing that yesterday
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
I said geronimo as I came I'm not sure if he appreciated the doctor who reference or was just confused
In this town being related to a brewing family or the owner of a sports team is like being royalty. It's like hooking up with the queen's nephew or something.
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
There's green glitter on my nipple rings. #mardigras2013
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
True strength comes from lack of pants
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
It's a herpes check up not a beauty pageant
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