i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
I NEED YOU TO TELL ME ITS OKAY TO BE THIS HIGH
Yes
O.K.
that's just what you get for learning massage techniques from gay porn
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
The school security guard knows my name.... I think I'm missing some memories...
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
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