Dude michael jackson died, guess he's not 'stayin aliveee' any longer.
Uh dude that wasn't a michael jackson song it was the BGs
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
quick I need to know all the foods that the very hungry caterpillar ate
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
I just helped a group of highschool stoners find a safe place to smoke I feel like a responsible rolemodel
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
I do not recommend playing football on LSD like at all
Randomize
