Strippers tramp stamp says "mom"
even iPhones love lady gaga. everytime I type haha it trys to correct it to gaga. this is bullshit...
I hate the hobo that sits outside our building
Joe or Chris?
do i even wanna kno y u kno their names?
well i came home drunk one night and Chris offered me a beer as i was coming in, it was kinda weird but i wasn't goin to deny a free beer. you're proolly talkin about Joe though, he's the one with the fucked up eye.
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
I would like to dedicate my cray behavior this week to my uncontrollable hormones and wine. Both have totally Efff'ed with my life.
You just sat there for two solid hours staring at your monitor and every five minutes screamed "LEGOOOOOS"
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
The guy whose house were at is drunkenly reading green eggs and ham to us in German
We just had a contest for who has less of a gag reflex...I am sad to admit that my mother won.
Dude i just passed out while getting head...she cried
Randomize
