We better get laid next semester cause I prayed hard
I even walked 30 feet with my eyes closed from two love rocks so that we get some cock
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
let's just pour the lemonade mix into the soco. cut out the middle man.
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
I can't believe he let me cut his hair as stoned as I was.. I think I even cut my own hair too
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
he puked all over my guest bed and the said he felt good enough to clean it up. he poured bleach all over the bed and passed out in it. he had the chemiacal burn for a month...
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
Randomize
