someone threw a dead crab at me
i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
This guy has a retainer. We're golden.
either she doesn't know how to dress properly on a sunday morning stroll, or I just saw a 60 year old on a walk of shame
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
I dont think he was a real cab driver. I think he was just a creepy guy with a van.
i like to finish this college football season knowing that not once have I had to masturbate to erin andrews
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
We did hand stand push-ups while beer bonging. Its now a thing
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
You will bone me until my eyeballs fall out. This is not a request.
I hate men. But I love dick. You see my problem?
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