I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
my night went downhill once I lost my bikershorts. EAWSSSSYY ACCESS
Are you okay?
Don't worry. Self-respect preserved. My speech was Grey's quality... I made him cry.
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
Omg I'm so stupid. All the peoples fb status that said "spain" I thought they were all going to spain.......
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
Come now. I'm bloody but I'll give you the best fuck of your life.
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
I knew the bike rally would be fun when I saw "male pole dancing" on the schedule
Randomize
