I loved tuna sandwiches so much in grade school it was so embarrassing
Everyday all the kids would be like oh grosss whose eating tuunnaa
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane.
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
Im chasing shots of tequila with chocolate milk right now. by myself. its nasty, but I've had worse in tjere the past couple days, so ill take it.
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
You were drinking whiskey from a beer bottle i dont know what you really expected...
it's not rock bottom until you fall down an escalator on the way home from a hookup and have to have you dad come pick your drunkass up at 3am. Adulthood.
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
Randomize
