They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
Housing came buy and confiscated our shopping cart :(
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
I'm hungry
Come here to eat and play. It'll be like Dave and Busters except with sex
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
i'll probably be on drugs forewarning
forewarning i'll probably have done those drugs with you
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
Most people would probably take his lack of responses as a queue to stop. But nope, not me. I just keep going. And that's why I don't have a bf, just a little weinered friend
I'm dressed in all sequins still at 9:30 in the morning and the worst part is that I actually still fit in in Vegas
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
Guys are like someone else's baby; i'll play with them but if responsibility is involved i'll hand them off.
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
he broke off the kiss to ask "can I grab your boob?" like props for asking for clear and concise consent but there HAS to be a sexier way to do it
Randomize
