Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
You know you're an adult when you break 100 to get 75 cents, to buy a condom from a bar vending machine in South Boston.
Got head at the top of a water slide over-looking the valley while wearing a sombrero and drinking a corona. Epic.
Full disclosure. I fucked the fatty from work and shit is weird now.
your life is not complete until you watch a gaggle of murderous clowns dance to gangnam style.
also, what is the correct term for a shit ton of clowns?
So my booty call knows your bf. Apparently they were in jail together
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
there was a goddamn geisha at house. my dick feels more cultured.
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
IT TOOK ME LIKE AN HOUR TO DO THAT. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO CONCENTRATE ON ONE THING FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR?!
Randomize
