I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
alright. I just need to set some ground rules, no lighting me on fire, and no broken bones. fair?
You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party
That was you...
You threw up in a empty pizza box at Pizza Hut and opened the door with your face. So that maybe why it's bruised.
I need to thank someone for this kid's penis.
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
Interlocking vagina powers go!!'
Oh god, your drunk again aren't you?
Randomize
