captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
I'M NOT READY TO BE AB ADULT YET!!!
Drinking a pint every 8 mins right now. Power hour aint shit.
Good luck
Trying doe a second hour and I.cant open my eyes
Currently doing the walk of shame out of some random girls house with my boyfriend. Talk about relationship goals.
Just calm down. My foot long super joint and I will be over shortly.
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
Randomize
