Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
So many tools at one table, you'd enjoy my italian family
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
Also, do you think you think his dick is perfect bc you loved him? Or is it actually perfect?
you were sitting on your bed looking out the window, rocking back and forth naked, saying how peaceful it looked outside
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
Complete silence. Background Willy Wonka music. An empty back of Lay's BBQ chips. These are the ingredients for an extreme acid trip.
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
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