he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
Ummm I just broke my no puke streak at church
She had her underwear around her neck. No one can tell me i'm a slut now.
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
hes supposed to be my fuck buddy. im not supposed to see him on his knees praying by my bed when i walk into my room.
The closest thing to a sext that you will ever receive from me is a picture of pepperonis on Greg's asscheeks, clenching.
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
This is gonna be a long day for my vagina and I
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
I like the new guy, he keeps beer in the fridge.
I'm not saying I'm planning to hook up tomorrow but I'm also not saying I'm unprepared for it
Randomize
