This is not my ceiling
did you ever find your cell phone? and your dignity?
please explain to me why there is a shopping cart in my living room.
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
I mean, how am I going to build a relationship on trust if he finds out I roofied him?
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
Remind me to tell you: When threeways go awry, my MLK weekend story.
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
Randomize
