No, asshole. I'm not gay. But if I was I think I would do better than fucking Nick Lachey.
Played the LOTR drinking game last night. Ended up in boxers running thru the lot at ross's place screaming "for frodo"
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
you inspire me to be a worse person
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
She was the shot vending machine at the party. But free.
YOU COME FROM SAD WHALE FAMILY, DEEP IN OCEAN!
You pretty much isn't said it
Those words don't go together.
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
Totally. Bang on. He'll be fine. He might cry into your perfect tits once in a while, but that's the price ya pay.
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
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