I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
whatever. i fb stalked him and his pic comments are witty. so i'm going for it.
There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
is it mean that i live tweeted about whether or not my roommate and her bf were having sex or were wrestling?
Neat. I'm thinking about growing a handlebar muffstache. What are your thoughts on this?
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
He dated a girl who could do the damn splits on his dick like how do you compete with that
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
You ran outside of the party to do the rain dance and swim in puddles
I just sold Adderall to a priest, im not quite sure how I feel about this situation
Can you explain to me why I showed my boobs to the firemen to get free beer?
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