i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
dipping my christmas cookies in kaluha. santa would be proud.
Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
I can't wait for round whatever # we're on tonight.
We were tripping too hard to figure out to tell him where we were so we sent a picture of me laying outside the tent saying "find us"
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
I reek of vagina.. My cab driver commented.
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
I like her because we want the same things out of life AND she actually wants to have sex with me.
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
Randomize
