After I made out with her she fell asleep and started pooting in her sleep. Are we sure lesbians are hot? Cause that wasn't.
You broke a cabinet. You were climbing up it and it collapsed on you. Lines were crossed.
I feel like I need to get rid of the black eyeliner, glitter, and tequila breath before I to that world poverty conference..
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
I can taunt you with whatever I want. Like batman and sex.
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
I set up her keyboard so that no matter what she does, it will open up RedTube. Click and command Q all you like, its going to porn. No I play the waiting game
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
Randomize
