the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
If I won't even leave the house for sex tonight. I definetly not going out for anything else.
Kayla got stiches in her face. Rode in an ambulance shotgun. Tried to steal a baby, thought it was mine
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
I'm like a number 27.2 on a scale of 1-10 of how badly I want you right now.
Your lack of a response brings it down to a 25.4.
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
Our sibling relationship has really blossomed into a wonderful mutual acceptance of sluttyness
you can see where the duct tape was on my nipple
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