You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
just found the land before time on youtube... I'm so fucked for finals
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
Maybe not, but you have to admit watching him get hit by the car was gratifying
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
Didn't get the job. Searched for my references on FB and saw the pic of me weighing my head passed out.
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
She is still drunk from the night before, sitting here eating KFC mashed potatoes and drinking Arbor Mist before Anatomy lab.
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
Randomize
