We should go out drinking together soon
I'm still not going to have sex with you
Don't make me choose between a good grade and anal
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
She keeps referring to it as an "us" Either she is seriously mistaken on what fuck buddies are or she learned another meaning of the word "us"
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
Well you wanna do it now or later? I've had three shots and I'm listening to journey by myself. Emotionally there is no better prime time than right now.
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
Pillow talk was a high five, this morning she made dinosaur muffins for the house. I love chapel hill
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