Ninja stars and alcohol are a bad combo
Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
Not good, Ive never been this late. We need to talk.
Error 1684C: You're last text was undeeliverable. Subscriber is our to the aera.
Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
cruising supermarkets, asking random people where i can get weed. fuck alaska
open bar reception. dayglow. pray for me
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
So after he broke the crutches and got us kicked out of McDonalds, we stole a bike and when we got back to the hotel, he jumped out the window into the bushes.
Yeah when he is drunk, he seems to think he is Captain Americas Canadian counterpart, Captain Canuck
I feel like the way dolphins mate would be the approach that a guy would have to use in order for you to sleep with them
Please make sure you have solid number of friends around you that wouldn't be afraid to break a bottle and stab someone. If you're planning on drinking all of that, you're going to need a safety net.
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
It's not even noon yet and I just fucked my professor's son in the psych lab..it's gonna be a great day.
Randomize
