If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
No matter how fun it seemed the night before you will always regret taking those pictures, you will always regret eating as much as you did, but you will never regret the great lengths you had to got to get those bruises.
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
Just witnessed a circumcision at clinical. i suddenly feel a sense of reconciliation over every guy who's done me dirty...
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
his finger was half off and he was more concerned that he wasnt at home shooting cucumbers out of his potato gun.
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
oh what is to come when my single life starts with a threesome?
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Randomize
