God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
remind me not buy ky at kmart ever again. Had to get a manager to open the locked case. then he stood there and watched me look through the selection
I hate that ur telling me this.
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
The entire defensive line took care if me when I passed out. One of them even held my hair when I puked and the other carried me upstairs to bed. God I love football so much more now
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
I remember doing shots of gin, then I have this strange memory of us making out in the womens room at waffle house.
I regret none of it.
I think I hit my head on every surface in that apartment last night
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
Walking down the street, Bro bumping to 'still' by dre. Dropped his trash on the ground and aggressively sped up when his light turned green. If you still had love for the streets you wouldn't of fucking littered. Took everything for me not to yell at him. I know you would've.
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
Had to clear my browser history. I figured if she used the search bar and her name came up, it might be a little creepy.
Randomize
