At least I can take solace in the fact that with 8 billion some odd people in the world, at least one of them is shitting in their own car right now.
I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
dude smells like cheese burgers and loose women...... i want his life
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
CANT TOUCH THIS JUST CAME ON MY IPOD. LOVE STEVE JOBS
Can we please not be like these pathetic people in their thirties who only get drunk when they go see Sherrill Crow?
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
walk of shame into the pharmacy with a busted up chin and laughing the lady at the counter rolled her eyes at me when I asked for the morning after pill.
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
When he sent me a picture, I swear my vag frowned. That tiny.
I'm eating those little wheels of cheese and watching storage wars, this is the opposite of sex.
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
Besides, I'm booked tomorrow. I'm planning on drinking heavily and crying in the bath.
Randomize
