I think my fart just growled at me.
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
standing in the yard with no pants on waiting for google maps to come and take a picture.
i've already watched her fall off the steps, walk up on our porch and try to dance with the dog, and stumble across the street to stand outside the neighbors window...is it taking it too far to watch this rando girl and some guy have sex behind our parking lot now?
it wasn't THAT bad but he definitely called his dick an asshole and said sorry to my vagina
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
Crumbling up chips, putting them in salsa, eating with spoon. New level of stoner fatassery. Its so genius/delicous i'm not even ashamed
Dating Detox Day 5: had to go out and buy new batteries. this may be harder than I thought
I needed a test subject that didn't know any of my friends so that if i screwed up no one would really know or spread rumours about how it was the worst bj ever
I just laughed at the word pudding. I have no idea whats going on right now.
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
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