i wish swine flu would become a total pandemic so we cld be rid of all the people that are complaining about it
I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
I tried to throw up out of my window but I forgot there was a mesh screen.
Ohmy god im about to fuxk my TA. i thyought this was a dream but i love you. <3
You broke a cabinet. You were climbing up it and it collapsed on you. Lines were crossed.
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
You've discovered your super power: Your Vagina
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
You know the story of the boner party, right? They got stuck in the mountains and ate each other?
It was the Donner party... boner party was the porn version...
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