I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
i gave her road head last night, needless to say it wasn't the same and i bit a chunk of the inside of my cheek off.
I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
There seems no grander way to celebrate 420 than to smoke atop a mountain peak.
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
I FOUND AN AUSTRALIAN THEY CALL VOMMING 'RAINBOW SNEEZING' I'M NEVER LETTING HIM LEAVE EVER
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
yup and then I snapped out of it and realized I was playing beer pong against a 4 year old... and losing
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
😂😂😂 what are we doing to these poor guys?!
Maintaining the status quo.
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
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