As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
Thank God. You really dodged a small penis there.
I am unable to type or say "unprotected, receptive anal sex" with a straight face. clearly, HIV was a poor research paper topic choice.
If it involves mee putting on a bra and discontinuing my 11 am drinking my answer is a polite fuck YOU
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
I just remember looking over and seeing you on top of him and us high fiving. That's when I knew we'd be perfect roommates
WHAT KIND OF SELF RESPECTING 28 YEAR OLD WOMAN WAKES UP IN A FRAT HOUSE?!?'
The cougar kind?
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
I threw up in my 8 AM. Morale is low.
Literally.... Guy kissing himself in mirror in this hotel elevator
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
Randomize
