It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
can you buy anything in the cafeteria for less than $2? I spent the last of my laundry money on a chia pet
i just licked my manager on accident and i'm freaking out
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
The van in front of me contains people having SEX. I am in full view of a SEX VAN.
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
Embrace your curves. Cuz we're too poor for a coke habit.
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
Howd it go?
Well we had the "no we're not fucking on the porch" conversation but then we totally fucked on the porch. So I'd say alright.
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
I can't imagine a friend I would rather lose my virginity to in a threesome.
Randomize
