my penis was classy and tasteful, i don't know what her problem was.
oh hey summer self, welcome to endless thirsty thursdays and walks of shame.
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
Its pretty simple actually, if she texts me either Grr or Rawr it means she is horny and wants to bone. its a perfect system
its fine. mom just made me chug a long island. and made a crying face when i balked. we'll talk tomorrow.
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
"Shots" of grape juice. I fucking hate Utah soooo fucking much.
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
I have no idea, but there's a bus parked in front of my house and like 6 texts saying im gonna prove my love. this is either really really awesome or really really bad.
He said "just hugs" and ran away screaming.
So it may have been laced, sue me.
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
Randomize
