never have i ever had a craving for dick this badly
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
Welp...herpes.
i think i should save myself the $200 for a prom dress. i mean why bother. its just going to be covered in vodka/jizz/and puke by the end of the night.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
there's fuck elsewhere to go, I'll be there with 8 lbs of bronzer on my tits
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i keep replaying things i did last night. and remembering new things. and its a constant cycle of torture
your were asleep with people making out on top of you. you didn't even look bothered by it.
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
I'm no doctor but I don't think balls are supposed to look like that.
He tripped and fell all the way to the ground and then stood right back with out spilling a drop of his 3/4 full glass of rum and coke. It was like watching something from the matrix
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
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