Saw 2 former students outside gas station. gave me money to buy 2 12 packs, asked if I wanted to go to their party.
I told them I had a gf and took one of the 12 packs. Come over.
Texas should really raise its teaching standards.
I miss vodka workout Fridays
No its cool, because I bought a handle of tequila earlier, in case things went south
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
the creek. my friends left me at a party next thing i know im in a breaststroke relay race with a bunch of randos in the dark
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
Beans, may the odds of a nip slip and drunken make out session be ever in your favor
I was weirded out when the chunky goth girl and her boyfriend both started eyeing me and wanted to by me a drink.
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Randomize
