4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
around noonish you got carried out for spitting water and throwing cups at old people...
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
I woke up next to him fully clothed but my thong was around his neck. Polling to decide if we had sex or not starts now.
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
This may have to wait till tomorrow. I smoked so my back wouldn't hurt and I overshot relaxed by like 4 hits casually
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
The house across the street caught on fire today, Drunk people high centered their car tonight. Looking out my front window I get to watch police chases all the time. I am going to miss this place.
She ripped her shorts off and yelled "VAGINA TIME!"
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
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