she just sneezed while going down on me. is it rude for me to ask her to do it again?
If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
all i could think was her face looked like a farm accident
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
We talked him into tasing himself.
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
Ice cream and condoms, solid grocery store trip
It took 5 bourbons for him to handcuff and spank me and then he cried after sex. The men that like me are so unstable.
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
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