please tell me I'm in your upstairs bedroom. Just google mapped myself and I have no idea where I am.
Dude. My sister is off limits. Touch her again and I'll rip off your dick and force feed it to you.
I accept this challenge.
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
He just took a bite of each taco bell burrito and hid them throughout my apartment. this was 2 weeks ago and have found 30 burritos so far
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
If my dick was big enough to fuck the eye of a hurricane, I would.
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
I haven't gotten this high alone in a long time. I keep looking at the cat waiting for her to say something.
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
Randomize
