Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
there was so much ham clogging the tub drain.. he said it was ok he has a cleaning lady
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
remember that guy i blew in a bathroom in barcelona, i just blew him again in rome. lightning does strike twice.
He's afraid of heights. How do I know, you ask? Blowjob on his roof.
Their engagement party consisted of them doing shots, yelling at each other, leaving for 30 minutes, and coming back with smiles.
I'd say they're off to a great start!
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
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