So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
Just because i have a masturbation problem doesnt mean you can put 20 photos of Jesus in my room.
He was like an evil genius with the clitoris. I don't stand a chance.
ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"
just used clorox wipes to give myself a whores bath. hello finals week
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
Whatever she smells like compost and feathers.
I believe they call that patchouli.
I have poison ivy on my dick
WHAT
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
I AHVE A WINE BUCKETTTTTTT
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
Randomize
