if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
Only a mothe r could love this liver
Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
He has a tattoo of a carebear. This is not happening.
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
I didn't ask for a picture of your soft dick.
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
GET OVER HERE. HOTTIE ALERT
^^^This is why you should have charged your phone prior to going out.
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
My dad just saw me take dirty one night stand underwear out of my purse. I'm willing to admit I have a problem
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
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