why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
So basically i got outta bed and started peeing on the a/c unit..when my roommate tried to stop me i looked at him and said "i got this"
He posted on my wall. Idk if I'm ready for that big of a commitment.
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
Rumble strips road head = magical
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
Just consider it? What else do you have going on today that could be as awesome as a day full of lord of the rings and sex?
Probably TMI here but I just rubbed one out while listening to thunderstruck, almost ripped my dick off.
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
I asked my boyfriend if he wanted a bong for his birthday but he instead asked for corndogs
the cheaper the better
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
You know, normal sex stuff involves shitting your pants. If you do it right.
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