I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
I thought she was going to get passionate and throw her on the bed and fuck her, but she just started breaking stuff.
That's the thing about women.
Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
The best part is that he made someone stop their workout to take pictures of him, specifically so he could put them on facebook. That is an unparalleled level of douchebaggery.
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
My sister hid me from my parents, brought me a bloody mary, and told my girlfriend I was out with my dad. For 13, I got to say she's working out pretty good.
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
You are like a vicious sex animal persistently seeking prey
This guy smells like mr Rogers puppets and I don't know how to deal with it
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
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