I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
She kept screaming "yeah! You pick up my books!" the whole time. . .
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?
I'd rather make snow angels in a pool of elephant shit.than sleep with him.
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
Of course I will... FYI I just gave my balls a crew cut.
she was braiding my hair and singing forever young while she vommed everywhere at the same time. Talent.
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
he took my bra off with his teeth, THEN decided he just wanted to make out and cuddle. i don't know what the female version of blue balls is, but i've been living with it since 1 a.m.
True I am eskimo brothers with every one of my room mates, but it was only two girls. And 9 outta 10 times I was first
Btw I thought it was impossible to use up 48 bottles of patron in one night but I was wrong...
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