I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
Don't worry that pussy is fresh, I'd brush my teeth with it.
at wine tasting. Can i cleanse my Palate with a frito?
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
He's so sweet...I can't see him enjoying that I got injured during sex.
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
Randomize
