Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
I feel like I'm in dance class right now
Where is the hickey?
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
Being the adderall dealer on campus, I feel responsible for everyone graduating.
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
There has to be a way to make college graduation in Las Vegas different than any other Tuesday in Las Vegas. Strippers? Been there. Getting arrested for public indecency on the strip? Done that.
May the one with the liver that just won't quit win
didn't realize her mom was home while we were fucking, but she's oddly okay with it. she made us food afterwards. but then kept talking about having grand kids the whole time. is it time to bail?
I masterbated to the rocky theme song. I'm pretty sure that just beat any sex experience I've ever had.
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
He broke his arm in a fistfight with the bouncer. it was neat.
Didn't know my clit could produce that many orgasms in one night. Fuck my husband; think I might have to become a lesbian.
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