Just got roadhead in a driving snowstorm. That shit should be a Winter X games event.
Had to make a piece of abstract art. Your dick is in it
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
He fell off the roof... he clearly has not been preparing for summer.
Security said no more parties of this kind. To me that translates to Theme party this weekend.
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
Ill give you a 4 hour blow job if you make my nephew go to bed.
It was disgusting, and I would've rather licked the condensation off the windows instead, but I figured that's wasn't very ladylike
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
well when I said that I would ride his face until he ran out of oxygen, that's when I knew I shouldn't be around beautiful people anymore.
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
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