had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
Sex tent. say it aloud its amazing. promise you we rnt stoned.
so far, I've observed him try to hit on 3 girls, 1 guy and a bar stool. Humanity is amazing from a sober point of view.
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
The cops just came to this party I'm at and ate all of our snacks
Dude just crushed our bbq lays and told us to quiet down
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
Randomize
