May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
So my boyfriend is on his way over and there is no time to wash the sheets from when I had his roommate over earlier. Put them in the dryer with a damp bounce sheet. Win?
This is a whole new level of slut for you....do they smell ok?
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
Im on my period and I feel like I'm going to die. The only thing that can make this tolerable is for you to eat me out in the shower. Please. I'll do anything.
It's like if a cloud had tits and you laid on them.
He brought wine and beer. I'll put my pants on for wine and beer.
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
Just used the pen i got in my signing ceremony to pack down my bowl. coach would be proud
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
We ended the night eating peanutbutter with our hands and smoking cigarettes in the house at 4am. Fucking Everclear, man.
Randomize
