I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
Somebody spraypainted a transformers head on a transformer box..my life is complete
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
Playing basket ball at the park with random people that showed up at 1am. the division of teams is based on what drugs people are on
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
I just remember banging him and then at some point I went and took a shower and went and laid in the closet
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
We always have to do something together that tests the human limits of the body. Hopefully it has at least a 75% death rate.
u woke up and asked who took ur pants off then realized u did n almost cried over not gettin layed
He pulled out the guitar, sat in tub, and took requests while she puked her brains out in the toilet. I think he loves her.
Randomize
