So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
So I'm thinking next semester you should be my own personal maid, nurse, masseuse and chef in exchange for free lodging, any food you can find, and unlimited access to my reproductive organs.
I was galloping around pretending to give birth to pbrs. I could have used a mask.
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
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