You wanted to speak to the manager of mcdonalds as to why a "bag of cheeseburgers" isn't a menu option.
any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
Oh my god it just tripped me out that I used to be a baby, I had to tell you.
craigslist free llama. are you in or are you in?
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
Blacked in cold and wet, with them areound me singing Aaaaall we are saaaaayiiiing is YOU PEED YOUR PANTS
my boobs just made me lose a game of beer pong. the balls hit them, bounced off and into the cup. twice. ive never been so disappointed in them.
Sometimes you have good days, sometimes m you delete 360 screenshots off your camera roll.
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
