I wanna eat
then frost
then eat your cupcake
i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
he just put it in my mouth and said "go"
I dumped him because he's never seen star wars. I'm certain I did the right thing.
alright she left, finally time to fart up the room
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
Then we all started singing, "Our house, in the middle of the street. Our house, fucks a lot of freshman meat". It was magical.
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
sooo what's the appropriate music to listen to after you find out the dude you been fucking, is legit married with kids...what genre is that?
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
If by "Are you high?" u mean "Did you just pass out at Genghis Grill walking to your table and falceplant?" the answer is yes.
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
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