I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
You ever just SEE a guy and know he's good at choking someone out?
It's 3 am.
Okay, so is being determined to have my vagina licked by a woman on Valentine's day an acceptable goal?
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
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